feel free to listen.

so, it has officially been a very long time.  i usually only come on here to check up on friends and read post-secret.  i met somebody really amazing.  and we both have old school livejournals, so we switched names so we could read each others history.  in doing so, i have gone back a ways and read up on myself just to see what she's reading...ha!  my goodness, things have changed.  so, i thought i'd just catch folks up on what's going down in my world. 

philadelphia is amazing.  the moment i stepped out from the uhaul into the beautiful springtime sunshine a little over a year ago, i knew this place was right for me.  since then, a lot has happened.  not all of it has been easy or fun.  but i am really proud of myself.  i was in a bad place when i was with amanda, and after she and i broke up.  i moved here and took a chance on myself.  i decided to spend a shitload of time just on myself.  and it was so worth it!  i have never felt this happy in my entire life.  i know who i am.  i know what i want to do.  i am in a space where i feel solid in my identity.  which also means that i am not afraid of growth, change, and evolution.  i know that my world is constantly moving.  it is important for me to keep changing with it. 

my schoolwork feeds my spirit.  i think there are very big things in store for me.  one of my professors remarked to the head of my department that i would change the world someday.  i was incredibly flattered.  i am surrounded by peers and mentors who believe in me as much as i do in myself.  i have never had adults in my life who i could look to for guidance and support.  it means so much to me to build inter-generational community.  the elders have lived the past and have so many lessons to teach me, so i can keep the fight going. 

money is a problem.  i am doing everything i can to not let it get in the way of my journey.  i figured out how to stay in school for next year, which is a relief.  i'll just have to figure something out for the year after.  i just really cannot imagine dropping out again.  i mean, i can imagine it.  but i know it is wrong for me.  i am doing so well.  this is my purpose.  i feel it in the depths of my being.  i know i am doing the right thing.

honestly, i am blown away.  i always knew that i had something special.  but it was buried so deep inside myself, i didn't know where to find it.  i think i can make a difference.  i think that i already have.  i try to make myself the best i can be every day.  because it is then, and only then, that i impact the people around me in the best possible way.  this world is full of so many things that are hateful and wrong.  we must change or we will die.  i don't yet know what my role is in helping to fix the problems that people have created.  but i am on a search for the humanity in the world.  and that begins with finding the humanity in myself. 

yes, i am idealist.  i realize i may never see this change happen in my life.  but i am willing to contribute to it in whatever way i can, so that the next generation may have at least a fighting chance.  it is important for me to believe that change is possible, or i will never be able to create it.  as the great grace lee boggs would say, our thoughts shape reality and our actions change it.  idealism is necessary to evolve.

so those are the thoughts scrolling through my brain these days.  in other news, i may actually get to see kate this summer!  we've told each other that we cannot go 4 years without seeing each other.  and that time marker is fast approaching.  so, i think i'm going to to AZ this summer.  how crazy!  i hate being hot.  but, i'll do anything for kate.  it's somewhat strange to have my best friend, the person that knows me better than anyone else in the world, so far away.  but she is my rock, my world.  i love her so deeply.  i know our time together will fucking rock, 125 degrees or not.  ha!

i'm seeing someone.  i don't want to talk about it too much, because it is very likely that she will read this.  (hi james!)  but, she is amazing.  i have never before known anyone who gets me like she does.  it's like i don't even have to explain my thoughts, or even say them.  she's right there with me.  she is so sweet and kind and thoughtful and she makes me feel really, truly special.  she cares about this world and the state of it.  she is so amazingly gorgeous, i can't even handle it.  it's all very very new.  and she lives a few states away.  i don't quite know how we're going to deal with it.  but i am so willing to try.  because i have never felt like this before.  i am so truly blessed.

so, i guess the moral of this story is: it's worth the work.  i could never be this happy if i hadn't spent time getting my shit together.  and now that i am here, i treasure every moment, because i know how precious it is.  some things are amazing and other things are really hard.  but i'm working through it and doing my work.  cause that's what i'm here to do.  and if i get to have love as well, then i am just so fucking lucky, it's crazy.  but in the meantime, i plan on plugging away.  and doing what i do.  cause i do it damn well.

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want -- good or bad. When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you. Or, if you don't want to post it, but want a memory from me, say so at the end of your comment and I will reply with one. But consider posting. It's fun to see what comes up.

after months of procrastinating, i finally submitted my application for school.  last night i had a talk with myself.  i came home with the determination to make the school thing happen.  and i did it!

i'd written approximately a dozen different essays.  and today i sat down and wrote a brand-new one.  here's what i ended up with:  It fell just below the maximum word count, so I didn't have to edit any of it out.  I feel really good about this.  and proud of myself. 

things haven't been that great lately.  but if i've learned anything, it's this:  only i can make change happen in my life.  i've let myself stay sad and stuck for so long.  i need to move forward.  i don't expect it to come easily.  but i've got to try.  and be kind to myself when i, inevitably, screw up.  because nobody does everything right all the time.  (okay, now i'm obviously talking to myself about amanda.)  i messed up there.  i admit it.  but i wasn't alone in that relationship.  and she wasn't perfect either.  i need someone who will be patient with me.  but mostly, i need to be patient with myself.  give myself time to be alone.  and re-discover what it is that i like about myself. 

i think philadelphia was a good move for me.  now i just need to keep going.

it's amanda's birthday today!  she's wicked busy with school, but i should see her tonight.  (this is when it comes in handy that we live together.) 

i found a place to live!  i move june 1st.  it's still really close to work and is only about $50 more a month, which is great.  i sign my lease tonight.

taking some vacation time in a couple of weeks.  hopefully amanda and i will make it to NY.  if not, bumming around town is good enough for me. 

i still haven't found out if i'll have my job next year.  it's kind of stressful since i have to sign a year lease.  but i don't really see myself going back to MI yet, so it'll have to work out either way.

work is really stressful.  my boss is so burnt out.  she really needs to step down or else it's going to get ugly.

it's fucking hot.  i hate having to put away cute socks.  i guess i need to invest in a great pair of flip flops...sigh.

alright, i have to get back to writing my intern's work plan.

since the breakup i've been searching for a ring to wear on the same finger that i used to wear my engagement ring on.  something that symbolized that i was dedicated to myself.  and that i should think about and care for myself first.  also as a sort of promise that i won't lose myself in anyone else again.  all the stuff with aiden has reminded me that i cannot lose focus.  i'm doing so well.  i've finally got my shit together.  as much as i love aiden, i have to make sure to continue to take care of myself.  the other day i was shopping with evelyn.  she was picking up gifts and i was casually browsing jewelry like i usually do.  and i saw this ring.  it was so beautiful.  i figured way out of my price range so i wasn't even going to look.  ev and i got rapped up in a conversation with a woman who she knew and worked at the shop.  afterwards i figured i would just look at it.  and if it was under $100 and fit i would buy it.  it didn't have a price so the woman (i wish i remembered her name) made one up.  it probably should've been an $80 ring but she priced it at $69.  all the jewelry was 15% off.  then she said she would give me another 10% off.  but it didn't fit.  she said they could resize it.  but i needed it ready in two days before i came home.  no problem.  i had to pay 30 bucks for the resizing.  but it was still pretty cheap.  so i bought it.  it's a large rectangle ruby on a thin silver band.  it's beautiful.  i didn't know what the stone meant off hand.  but i was so drawn to it that i figured it had to be okay.  i looked it up today and here's what it means:

ruby:
ruby is an excellent stone for energy.  imparting vigor to life, it energizes and balances, but may sometimes overstimulate in delicate or irritable people.  ruby encourages passion for life but never in a self-destructive way.  it improves motivation and setting of realistic goals.  ruby stimulates the heart chakra  and balances the heart.  it encourages "following your bliss."  this stone is a powerful shield against psychic attack and vampirism of heart energy.  it promotes positive dreams and clear visualization, and stimulates the pineal gland.  ruby is one of the stones ofabundance and aids retaining wealth and passion.  psychologically, ruby brings about a positive and courageous state of mind.  under the influence of ruby, the mind is sharp with heightened awareness and excellent concentration.  given this stone's protective effect, it makes you stronger during disputes or controversy.  emotionally, ruby is dynamic.  it charges up passion and fires the enthusiasm.  ruby is a sociable stone that attracts sexual activity.  physically, ruby overcomes exhaustion and lethargy and imparts potency and vigor.  conversely, it calms hyperactivity.  should be placed at heart, finger, ankle. 

in short, it's perfect. 

so i'm sitting in the famous burlington international airport right now.  leo got through security just fine.  he;s sitting next to me being a really good little kitty.  i gave him a sedative and it doesn't seem to have kicked in yet.  i'm a little nervous, but i think it'll be fine.  i'm hoping they let me take on my laptop and that i don't have to check it at the gate.  my flight leaves in about an hour.  i'm really excited and also a little nervous.  i hope it's relaxing and fun.  i'm going to take everything my mother says with a grain of salt and savor every moment with my friends.  wish me luck...i'm off!

i can't focus at all today.  i leave for a2 in a week!  i have a ton to do before then.  but mostly i can't get aiden out of my head.  i need to because i should be working right now and not typing this.

i finally got my day!  it wasn't completely free of de-fleaing.  but it was a pretty damn good day.  i bought a jacket.  i bought a pair of hot mary jane danskos.  i bought a pair of boots.  i bought gloves.  i bought an ipod case.  all necessary and reasonable priced.  the danskos were a just for me fun purchase.  they're great.  i love them.  it's a little sick that i just added two new pairs of shoes to my collection.  i just love shoes.  my room is really coming together.  i cleaned the floor yesterday.  like on my knees with a sponge and bucket of bleach water.  my back hurts today.  a backrub is much needed.  i also washed and folded all of my laundry.  i hung some of my art.  it's starting to look like an actual room.  it's about time, i guess.  i've lived here about 2 months now.  i also sorted all my mail and important papers.  all ready to be filed.  i like being productive.  it's good.

tomorrow is ani.  i hope it's a good show.  saturday is DOR.  months of planning are about to come to fruition.  i hope it goes well. 

i have 2 more loads of laundry.  i have been cleaning since i woke up around 1030.  i've finally stopped cleaning.  but now i have a shit ton of foldng to do.  so many loads of laundry.  the last thing i need is 8 loads of wrinkly laundry on my hands.  still, i'm procrastinating. 

the medicine i gave leo was supposed to kill all the damn bugs in 24 hours.  he's still crawling with them.  literally.  it's absolutely disgusting.  he also seems to have a runny nose.  i dunno what to do.  the bugs are supposed to be dead.  i know he's got to be in a lot of pain.  but i can't let him in my room because i just cleaned all the bugs out of it.  i feel so bad.  i love my little guy, but i hate bugs.  i hate them with a passion.  and it makes me not want to touch him because then i feel dirty and gross and itchy.  ugh.  i'm ready for this to be over.  i know it's not though.  he just has to be better so he can go on the plane with me in a month.  if he doesn't get a clean bill of health, i won't be able to bring him home.  i'm worried.

okay okay.  i should start folding.  then shower.  then blessed bed.

i have 8 loads of laundry to do. i have to powder and vacuum all the carpets. i have to sweep and spray down my room. i have to figure out how to open the vacuum bag to put flea powder inside. i have to shower. i have to buy a really cheap jacket and pair of boots.  i have to wear enough makeup to disguise my swollen eyes.  i have to go to a laundromat to wash my comforter.  i have to take some ibprofen for this headache. 

all i want to do is buy a cute pair of shoes and go out dancing after getting some form of fucked up.

rawr.

spoke to aiden today.  he said he's can;t afford to come back with me.  i had a really strong reaction.  i cried pretty hard about it.  it's still possible that he'll be able to come, but it's all dependant on money.  i hate money.

i'm exhausted.  i don't know why.

i got business cards today. one more step into real grown-upness. haha. i can't wait to give people my card...

fighting. it makes me feel shitty.

i want my happy face back.

in this journal entry i'm going to refer to the being or prescence that is known as many things in different religions as "god" and "he" for the sake of simplicity and my own sanity. 

is it true that if you open yourself to the possibility of god, then he will appear? 

i don;t know how i feel about god.  or even if he exists.  i don't know if god is what i believe in or if i even believe.  i often refer to the time that i was religious as the time when i was brain washed.  having sucessfully re-established my brain as my own, the sudden burning desire for religion seems unfathomable.  i believe in something although i don't yet have the language to fulfill my complicated thoughts. 

i'm reading a really good book.  i'm going to tell you the story of how i came upon it.  play along.  i was having a regular chill day.  doing computer stuff, hanging out, reading, cleaning...the usual.  my roommate katherine suggested (randomly...she's usually very quiet and does her own thing) that we have dinner together.  she was going somewhere to get food and wanted to know if i wanted to come.  i was very hesitant.  i don't know why.  but eventually i decided to do it.  why not, right?  we went and got dinner.  nothing special.  i mentioned to her something about buying a book.  no big thing, i'd do it another day.  i don't know why, i had hot food waiting to be eaten, but i decided to stop and get a book on our walk back.  i like this one particular author so i walked to that section.  i didn't have anything in mind.  just wanted a book.  i picked up several and put them back.  i was flustered about time and my hot (now just warm) food, so i picked up a book and bought it.  i skimmed the back just enough to know the book was about a girl named faith and her mother.  nothing spectacular.  i started reading the book yesterday.  it's all about religion.  the girl, faith, speaks to god (a woman).  i haven't read that much.  but the main theme so far is the basic struggle of belief vs disbelief.  the plot of the book has little to do with it.  i'm more concerned with how i got to the book.  this happened a while back.  last winter actually.  i went to a bookstore.  i had a couple of hours to kill and found myself with a book (which is now my favorite book) that practically called out to me.  i didn't look for it.  i didn't even mean to go to that section.  it found me.  or so i thought.  it was the fifth sacred thing.  and thus spiralled my attempt at paganism.  perhaps it all means nothing.  although if god were to reach me, he's smart to go about it by books. 

it's true that then and now i was searching for something.  neither time have i been able to identify what.  both were/are times in my life that i have felt whole and happy.  ready.

is it possible to not find god, but for him to find me?  maybe if i just open myself to the possibility.  just a crack.  he is god.  he should be able to find it, right?  is that doing enough?  does one have to do something? 

am i crazy?

holy fucking shit.  i just went to the post office to pick up the package my mom sent me.  i was expecting to get a book, or a scarf, or something to that affect.  she wasn't supposed to get me anything because she bought me a bike (for my birthday) before i left MI.  i wasn't expecting anything.  and instead she got me an ipod.  that's right.  i was going to buy myself one for quitting smoking.  i had looked into the pros and cons of the nano vs. the regular ipod.  i had decided on the regular one since i'd be getting a lot more for about $50 more.  mom got me the nano.  but i'm not complaining.  i'm stoked!!  i can't believe it!  i have an ipod now.  not in 4 months.  now!  when i called her to freak out and thank her til i was blue in the face, she said, "well yer 22 now.  it's time you had those white things sticking out of yer head"  lol.  agreed.  yay mom!!  now, i'm off to spend money on songs.  and browse for a hot little green case for it.  ha.

i had an amazing birthday. i did all of my laundry. i accomplished a good amount of cleaning my room. aiden sent me a beautiful present that i woke up to (the doorbell ringing to deliver a package). i had an awesome little get-together. people actually came and brought food and drink. it was amazing! i didn't think i had so many friends in burlington. 15 people showed up. i feel like that's alot of people. the presents i got were a scarf, a sunflower, a pineapple, a silk-screened anatomical heart w/ squirrel, champagne, and a bottle of wine. also, my roomies went out and got me an ice cream cake (i've had one almost every year since i was 2). they had them put "ra ra ra" on it!!! which apparently is my phrase. jill has decided that she loves it and says it all the time. i had such a good time! this place is really turning into my home. i feel very blessed. also, i got tons of awesome phone calls! i heard from evelyn, aiden, my mom, julian, chloe, and ren. overall, it was a special day. one i will surely not forget anytime soon.

i'm sick. so sick i left work 6 hours early. if you know me, you know this means i am very sick. all i want to do if have people make me tea and soup and watch the gilmore girls on my laptop. i came home and slept for 5 hours. and was still exhausted. i only stayed awake because i want to go to work tomorrow and in order to do that i have to sleep tonight. my throat hurts so bad i want to cry. mad thinks my symptoms allign with mono which thoroughly freaks me out. especially since one of my roommates has it. although i have no idea how i could've gotten it from her. i don't know. if i still feel this terrible tomorrow morning, i'm going to a doctor. ugh. i hate this. today is day 7 of sickness. after ignoring it and going on with my life like i didn't care, it finally licked me. now i'm cranky and achey and blah. i give in. i'm sick. and now i want to be better.

i'm sick. and cranky. i'm not happy that somehow the youth dropped me and now i'm stuck with the wonderfully delightful task of designing and mass producing a flyer for their dance. erg. mostly it stresses me out because photoshop scares me. and even though i was an art student in my last life, my focus was sculpture. i suck at anything 2D. but everyone thinks i should be able to rock it out in no time because "weren't you an art student?". yeah. cute. oh, who am i kidding. it's not really that big of a deal. i'm just acting out cause i don't feel good. and my to do list is growing at a ridiculous rate. a break would be a wonderful thing. any ideas?

who give a shit, i posted pics of my sleeve and my new house on myspace. you can find me here:
http://www.myspace.com/_blue_ruin_ . but if you want the extended version you have to check out facebook. since moving to vermont people have started to friend me on there and i realized i needed to present myself a little better. i don't really understand all of the nuances yet, but i'm working on it.

spoke to aiden today. i miss him alot. my engagement ring came out the other day. i'm still holding onto it. i don't really know what yer supposed to do with an engagement ring somebody gave you and then changed their mind about. m thinks i'll know what to do with it when the time is right. until then...

i have to go to the coop today. i'm really not looking forward to the trek back home with a backpack full of food. ugh.

i think leo has ear mites. i have to figure out how i'm going to get him to a vet. all the respectable vets are out of walking distance. i'm going to have to figure out how to rope somebody into taking me to one. not to mention figure out how to get out of work early. awesome.

it's beautiful out today. i wish i knew where there was a park. j and a went apple picking. i'm a little jealous. i should really go outside instead of sit here with my head inserted in my computer screen. i just can't seem to remove it yet.

dancing was a total bust last night. we heard a rumor that since the gay bar closed, the queers were starting to take over saturday nights at this one local place. so, we thought we'd check it out. heh. no. i don't think 5 gay boys = queer takeover. j took off almost immediately. m and i decided to look at it as a social experiment and stayed a bit. it was very intimidating and isolating and crappy. i'd never been to a staight dance club before. it was sick. i've never felt so trampeled on before. m made a good point in saying she had never been in a situation where dancing with a girl would make her look straight. it was so odd. really it was sort of disgusting. the men took up so much space. people were grinding on each other. and i like grinding on people. it just didn't feel respectful. i think that was the problem. there was a lack of respect for people. m and i left feeling utterly defeated.

we talked alot of scenes too. there are alot of scenes here. i don't really fit into any of them either. i'm too punk rock for the hippies, too hippie for the punk rockers, and not nearly skinny enough or hip enough for the hipsters. and there really isn't a queer scene that i've found yet. i have a feeling it'll come to me eventually. but it's hard. i don't fit in with the lesbians. and there are alot of lesbians. don't get me wrong, i like lesbians. i'm just not one. where are all the radical queers?!

p.s. i finally got my food stamps! now, i can buy food. city market, here i come!!!